After finding out I had endometriosis in 2012, I decided to stop seeing the fertility doctor and go back to my gyn doctor. She was just as capable of performing surgery to remove my endo as the fertility doctor. I had the surgery in May 2012. The surgery took longer than expected. According to my doctor I had a lot going on besides just endo. My fallopian tubes were clogged again. My left ovary was attached to my pelvis. I had adhesions and endometriosis every where. She told me she did not know how I was walking around and that my pain tolerance must be high. I told her I did not know any different. Every month I was always in pain and I usually always missed school when I was younger. I thought this was normal. Now I know it is not normal to be in that much pain with your monthly visitor. Please if you have a lot of pain then contact your doctor and get checked for this. After my surgery, we decided to try Clomid. We did a round of it and nothing happened so we decided it was time to go back to our fertility doctor. My stomach was in knots to go back to him. lol. I guess I did not want to except the fact that I may not be able to have children or that the only way was through IVF. My fears were coming true. During this time, my relationship with the Lord grew immensely and strengthened with each month and each appointment. I remember digging into His word daily. Pouring my tears out to Him for a child. That day we went to talk to the doctor about the next steps is a day I will never forget. We walked into his office with my notes from the surgery and what we had done so far. He looked at everything and he told me that I was dealt a bad hand of cards. He told me that my anatomy was shot. The only way for me to get pregnant was to have IVF and that was no guarantee. Nick and I left that appointment with tears in our eyes and heartbreak in our hearts. I will never forget the drive home. We were both in tears and he just kept saying that it will work out and if it doesn't then we will adopt. I felt so much guilt for not being able to give him a baby because my anatomy was shot. I cried a lot that day and I prayed a lot that day. After talking we decided that we were going to give IVF a shot. We were nervous, excited, scared, anxious. We both knew it would take a lot of commitment both physically and financially but we were ready. Ya know God works in beautiful mysterious ways. A few events that could only come from Him happened between the time we committed to do the IVF and the time we paid the down payment. I am not going to share the one that my husband was so blessed to encounter but I will share the one that I encountered. I remember everything about that week. It was the week of St. Patty's Day in Savannah, March 2013. Nick's parents came to stay with us and go to the parade. We had such a nice time. That night we went to a Christian concert in Richmond Hill. One of the singers was Aaron Shust. He gave his testimony about what God did for his son. His son had hearing problems and God healed him in an incredible way. If you have not heard his testimony then I highly suggest you checking it out. He gave this testimony and an amazing word from God followed by a song that God could of only had him sing that night. I was in tears and at that very moment I COMPLETELY gave God my struggle with having a child. I mean I remember this so clearly. I released this to Him and He grabbed it and told me to trust in His plan. He told me to stop worrying and to trust in His good ways. After that, I was ready to tackle IVF. We paid the down payment on IVF on April 5th 2013. On April 7th 2013, I took a pregnancy test and it was POSITIVE. YES POSITIVE. WOW GOD you are WAY to good to us. We were shocked. Shocked is not even the right word. lol. That monday we called the infertility doctor and told him the news and of course asked for our deposit back. He agreed as long as I came in week 5 and 6 to make sure there was a heart beat. He told me that if nothing good ever happens to me again then this was it. My one miracle. He obviously does not know my God and all the blessings He has poured out. Hopefully this story showed him that God does answer prayers and He answers them in mighty BIG ways. I want to leave you with this verse. This was one of many that helped me along my 3 years of infertility. If you are struggling with infertility please know you are not alone. God can turn your story into something that screams He had His hands all over it. Whether it be adoption, IVF, youth that you pour your heart in to daily. God will use you for His purpose. You have to be willing to let go of your desires and your ways and hold on to His desires for your life. He can take you places that you would never reach alone. He can use your story to reach the lives of others. First, you must completely give your struggles over to Him. Let go and let God do His thang:) Lamentations 3:25 " The LORD is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him." |
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3-1-16
Today as I lay in bed and look out the window at the beautiful sun rising, I see the fog on the ground and I thank the fog. That fog is what kept my mom from seeing what was about to end her life. At first I was so mad at the fog. I hated seeing it. Every time I saw it since March 2nd 2015, my heart sunk, my soul ached. I know she was cussing that fog that morning and I can hear her doing it. I have thought that maybe if it wasn't foggy then she could of avoided the accident. This only made me hate the fog even more. Today, I see that fog in a different way. I see that fog as God's grace. God's way of protecting her from knowing it was her last few seconds on this earth before she would be united with her Heavenly Father. God has taken this year an opened my eyes to see that HE is my rock on which I stand. Day by day, I lean on Him more and more. He has taken something so tragic and has made me see what I am here on this earth for. There are days where I am so sad and I would do anything to have her back. When I feel that way, I let my tears flow and I turn up my worship music and I give it over to Him. I know in my heart that my mother is in Heaven smiling down on us with so much joy in her heart. Joy that was lacked at times here on earth. Now she is happy, joyful, with her mother, watching over us and smiling at how God is changing us and our lives each day. I am thankful that out of this tragedy my God has built up in me a fierce desire to serve Him with everything in my being. My mother gave her all to what she was passionate about in life. She instilled that in us. I just needed God to bring it to life. I will make sure that everything I do in life will not only honor my God but will honor my mother's name. I am still seeing the ways she has changed the lives of so many. She touched their hearts in ways that will leave a lasting impression in them. I am so grateful she was my mother. I hope I can teach my daughter by actions in my life that what matters in life is loving others and being the hands and feet of Jesus. Thank you Jesus for turning beauty out of ashes. |